Never letting go
by Inami
Summary: A simple assignment, bedridden characters... (Tsu/Hi) *Not a Deathfic*
1. Hisoka

Nami-chan notes: This time, the notes are at the top, as they were supposed to be. I don't even have any clue how it became footnotes, anyway. Dedicated to the people who reviewed my first two YnM fanfics. Note to Kelly-san, if ever you're reading this: Please don't put '-san'. I'll feel old. And I don't write long fics, despite my intentions to do so (a CCS/YnM fic is in my head and I haven't tried to write it down). I tend to lose sight of the point of the story when I don't write the whole plot line first.

 Oh, and to yukie-san, I never expected to write this, I've also been avoiding writing romance, but what the heck. This will be stupid, despite what you seem to think otherwise. Shall I apologize now?     

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to Inami. Inami's too young to have enough money to buy it, anyway. 

Warnings as well: Shounen-ai fluff. Male+male pairings. Now that I think about it, why would anyone be interested in YnM if they can't take shounen-ai? Oh, this is also my first try for such kinds of relationships.

This case was simple: protect a young child from his overprotective deceased mother-turned yuurei who thinks that it's best to drive away people from her child to protect him. Her husband was also included in that list of people. They were trying to send her on and leave the child to his father. 

Hisoka was also to guard the child while Tsuzuki kept an eye on the yuurei, which was why here he was now, holding onto little Kayama Makoto's hand as they went for ice cream. Thankfully, Makoto's father trusted the 'new babysitter' enough to leave him in his care to go to a meeting.

They were in the park now, a nice, small place where children could play and have small picnics. There weren't many people around that wouldn't strain his empathy, Hisoka was thankful for.

"Ne, ne, Hii-chan," he felt a tug at his hand and he looked down, trying to soften his expression for the child who had taken the nickname Tsuzuki supplied for him. 

The young brunet looked up at him with wide, black eyes, nervously clinging to his sleeve. The child was, Hisoka admitted, cute. That was, if 'cute' was in his vocabulary. "Hii-chan, may I sit over there? I'm tired." He said, pointing towards a bench. "I can go there while you go and get ice cream." 

Hisoka frowned. "I don't think I should leave you alone…"

"Don't worry!" Came the enthusiastic reply. "I won't leave, I promise!"

"But Makoto…" he began, but Makoto had given him puppy dog looks that rivaled Tsuzuki's. But it was capable of something Tsuzuki's puppy act couldn't do. He sighed dramatically and urged him to go on. "Keep your promise, okay?"

The child jumped up with glee and ran towards the bench and sat obediently, watching him with wide eyes.

Certain that he was comfortable, Hisoka chuckled under his breath and felt a smile tugging at his lips as he turned and walked towards the ice cream stall. The child was sweet, matching his partner's exuberance and temperament. It was hard not to like him.

He, despite his intentions not to, had started to mingle with people since he had became a Shinigami and met Tsuzuki.  It would probably because of Tsuzuki's influence - the man stuck to him like melted plastic - with unbendable habits, ever-changing masks, and irritating him with a flourish. With him always following him like a puppy loyal to it's master - pun intended - it would be impossible for him not to catch any of his quirks, even with his encyclopedia-thick resolve of not having any friendly relationship with anyone. A resolve that was breaking page by page.

…All because of a certain amethyst-eyed Shinigami.

He never expected to end up like this. Especially not because of Tsuzuki Asato. He had thought that it would be the same, how people would treat him, the same hatred to the demon child who could see other's feelings. He had thought that it would be best to push them away, push them far away and keep them from entering his shell. Keep them from coming in and hurting him again, stepping onto the shards of his life and damaging them beyond repair. …He was mistaken.

His afterlife was something he had not expected. Instead of them hating him and spiting him, they had merely accepted him with open arms, all in their own way. Tatsumi with his polite inquiries of work, even with the setback of his inability to show his feelings, and urging him to do things that he thought would benefit him and help him, if he did not understand how it would help him or not. Watari with his usually sunny disposition, always there with some contraption or other, innocent curiosity and sly machinations, willing to pull you out of trouble or get you into it. Wakaba with inquiries of his health and asking if he needed anything to eat. Terazuma with his normal trepidation of anything remotely feminine but tries to get along with him. Konoe-Kachou with awkward signs of fatherly concern, like how he was doing and if he was fine with his partner. And his partner…

Hisoka stopped in front of the ice cream stand and ordered one for Makoto.

Tsuzuki is an idiot with love for sweets that would make anyone with diabetic have heart failure just by looking at the written list of sugar he consumes everyday _alone_. A bottomless pit that could eat anything with a pint of sugar and forces it down one's throat. A sugar-propelled idiot who can't cook even if his life and everyone else's in the world were at stake. A nut who gave his heart out to the world despite being always shunned by others and had it broken into many shards each time. 

_"Look, Hisoka! I made a flower origami! It's for you!"_

An idiot who went out in the rain just to go to his house and show him something he made. 

_"Hey, Hisoka? Are you alright? You're pale…"_

An idiot who cared for him like no one else in his lifetime did, looking out for his health more than anything else. 

_"Hold my hand - I can see in the dark."_

An idiot who reached out for him when he was losing hope when he himself was falling. 

_" Don't worry. I'm here now; Muraki won't touch you again, even in dreams. Not when I'm here."_

An idiot who protects others.

_"Hiidooiiii, 'Soka! C'mon! Just try the cinnamon bun - it's good!"_

An idiot who kept on returning to him when he pushed him away. 

_"Someday, Hisoka, I'll make you smile."_

The only person who tried to break through his shields, looking for the child yearning for care, love, and attention. The only one…

_"I...just want to die now… It's enough, Hisoka... I've lived for far too long... I'm... tired…" _

The only one… 

_"I'm not going back…! I… don't want to be… alone… I decided a long time ago… that my place to return to is here…by your side only…"_

The only one who Hisoka…

_"Can I stay with you…?"_

The only one who evoked such emotions from him…

"Excuse me, sir? Your ice cream…" 

Hisoka blinked, and started out of his reverie. He blushed at the smile the vendor gave him and took the cone, dropping the right amount on the table and muttered an apology, spinning on his heel to return to Makoto. And immediately froze, a sudden wave of nausea overcoming him. 

He closed his eyes and shook his head in attempts to get rid of the dark wisp that swam in his vision. After a second, it had gone and left him pushing it to the back of his head along with the stray thoughts of Kyoto and the fire. He was certain that he did not need to relieve the memory of it, nor did he need to further justify any of the confusing feelings he did not need relinquish or disturb. Tsuzuki had no problems doing that. 

Sighing, he walked back to the bench he had left Makoto on and was startled to see that the child was not where he had left him, where he had promised to wait for him. He felt the feeling of dread filling him as he searched for any sign of him and saw none.

Hopefully the he had not wandered off too far; it was horrifying to imagine what would happen if the yuurei had located him again. If he had - 

"SOMEONE HELP THAT CHILD!!!"

He jumped slightly at the high-pitched shriek from his left, and his gaze tore towards that direction. The cold confectionary slipped from pale fingers and landed on the ground with an unhealthy squelch, forgotten as the owner raced towards the growing scene.

Emerald green eyes widened in abject horror as he took in the situation at the intersection near the park. He had found Makoto, true, but in circumstances that wasn't reassuring in any measure. The child was standing in the middle of the road, staring at the car racing towards him. The driver was frantically trying to stop the car but Hisoka knew at one glance that with the speed it ran and how small the child was, it would still have any chance to change the inevitable that was waiting to happen.

Without any second hesitation, he bolted towards the younger boy, ignoring the shocked gasps and shouts the rest of the crowd exclaimed, focusing only in saving Makoto. He did not know if Shinigami would get killed because of things like this - well, maybe this was one way to find out. He did not want Makoto to die, no; he was too young. 

In a fleeting second he saw shocked amethyst eyes boring in his own and he met it without flinching. He moved his arm towards the child and pushed him in that direction. Makoto would be safe with Tsuzuki, that much he knew. 

Because he himself was safe in Tsuzuki's arms.

Turning his head slightly, he caught the flash of the car's hood and felt hot, searing pain around his waist and blacked out.

Nami-chan notes: Yep. Done. That was stupid. Really, really stupid. I don't think there would be anything after this though… I mean, I could leave it at that… 

*Raises eyebrow* Do you really think that? I'm not **that **morbid. That wasn't even half of my fluff potential. More fluff in the second, next, and last chapter. Angst for Tsuzuki though… Yep, I'm evil. I'm leaving with a cliffhanger. Drives Mel-chan and Hitode-chan nuts but hey, I like the look on their faces.

Ironically, it's still raining and I'm still nursing a cup of tea. I think this is becoming a habit… Say, can anyone tell me what 'pwp' means? It's been bothering me as well…             


	2. Tsuzuki

Nami-chan notes: Chapter two. Any grammar mistakes should be notified and mentioned to me so I could remedy it; Nami-chan doesn't have a beta. And I forgot to put indents on the first chapter… and now I have to keep it uniform, stupid me… and I was stupider when I asked what PWP means… *blushes and shudders* I wish I never asked.  

Aspara-san: Is it unusual to have cute and depressing together? I never knew…

Literary Eagle-san, Shaynie-san, & WolfPilot06: *blushes and goes starry-eyed* Seeempaiiiii… Nami-chan is a fan… 

Cookie Pixie-san, neKO, & Crazzzybanana-san: Thank you!

Darke Angel: *flinches and hides behind a pillow* I'm sooo sorry if I offended you!! I'll try my best! I swear! …I didn't even realize that I keep on angsting too much… And Tsuzuki's going to angst this time - don't kill me! Thank you for actually bothering to review!

Li: *blushes* Arigatou… There wouldn't be any mushy scenes if one side dies, now will there? *evil cackle*     

Disclaimer: Yami no Matsuei doesn't belong to Inami. Inami's too young to have enough money to buy it, anyway.

Warnings: Tsuzuki-angst, Shounen-ai, hot chocolate-induced Inami who's trying to 'feel' Tsuzuki's pain and angst, and rain. 

Oh, god…

Tsuzuki bit his lip, pacing back and forth in front of the medical ward, taking wide, even steps. Hisoka was hurt. Hisoka was hurt. 

It was his fault. It was his fault. It was entirely his fault. If he had paid more attention to the yuurei… if he had made sure that she would not go to her son… if only he had not taken his eyes off her in that one second… He had promised him that he would protect him no matter what; that he would always take care of him and make sure he wasn't in any danger. He broke his promise… again.

Oh, god… he blew it…

How many times had Hisoka told him not to promise something he wasn't sure he would be able to fulfill? How many times did he assure the blond youth that he would keep those promises that he had given? And now… and now…

He stopped mid-step and leaned against the wall in attempt to steady himself. Shinigami were capable of regenerating themselves numerous times, wounds and fractures take less time to heal than an ordinary human's. Bones healed in a day or less, deep wounds easily disappear unless they strike vital organs and take more time. When that occurs, however, the Shinigami would be up and walking the next afternoon, looking and functioning like nothing happened. But there were also some things that may kill them, continuous blood loss, for one, and some strong powers wherein the cells are damaged to the point that the body had no chance nor time to heal.

Being run over by an out-of-control vehicle running so fast was also considered as one of those. There were cases in the past where careless agents had 'died' after being bowled over by varying transportation of different sizes. There was one thing half-positive of it, though, none of those cases involved a small five-seated car. The downside to it was that Hisoka's chance was only 50-50 and Tsuzuki was not sure if he would make it.

If Hisoka were to die… if he were to never return to him… he would… he would…

"Tsuzuki-san?"

He jumped, whirling around. It was only Tatsumi. He sighed and returned the greeting. "Tatsumi." He nodded. He let his eyes trail from the dark-haired secretary to look at the door - the only thing separating him from his partner. He wanted to go in there… he wanted to see Hi...

"…I heard Kurosaki-kun got into an accident." 

He bowed his head, trying not to look at Tatsumi's face. Yes… an accident… Hisoka got into an accident because of him. Because he was careless…

"How is he?"

_How is he? _That was something he also wanted to know. He wanted to know if he was all right. If he had survived the collision… if he could wake up again…

He swallowed, wondering why his throat was so dry, why he had trouble speaking. "Watari's still with him… I don't know how he's doing now…" He paused, wondering how to continue. He looked up, meeting softened azure eyes. "It's my fault why this happened to him… I wasn't paying attention to my work… Oh, gods, Tatsumi… Now he's hurt because of me… I promised to protect him! I _promised_!!!" His voice cracked, his eyes starting to moisten. 

He was breaking down again. But that didn't matter at the moment. What mattered right now was that he was at fault, that he was incapable of keeping his promise he had so vehemently swore. That he was incapable of keeping the promise that mattered to him the most. The promise he had given to the most important person in his life.

"Tsuzuki-san…what do you mean it was 'your fault'?" Tatsumi inquired politely, motioning to a couple of hard plastic chairs that tried to pass off as waiting benches and leading him to sit.

He walked, barely feeling the hand guiding him, and sank on one, suddenly feeling weak. His whole body felt like lead and it took a lot of effort in his part to move; he was grateful for the offer.

Tatsumi sat beside him, silently consoling. "Now tell me how it became your fault."

Tsuzuki folded his hands on his lap and looked at it, twiddling his thumbs anxiously. "…The mother, Kayama Chiori had turned into a yuurei, harassing everyone who came in contact to her son. Hisoka and I thought that it would be best to split up to keep an eye on both of them. I was to watch the yuurei and send her on if I could, and Hisoka would stay with Makoto, just in case I fail.

"I just looked away for a second and I couldn't find her… I thought she would try to find Makoto and went to the park, where Hisoka said that they would go to. I tried to get there as fast as I could…" Tears had taken to flow at that moment and he buried his face in his hands, wishing that he had gotten there faster, sooner. If he hadn't taken his eyes off of her… If he were able to do his job properly, Hisoka would be…

"I don't know how Makoto got to the road like that… I wasn't able to run to him to save him… there were too many people around… if I was able to run there, I would've been able to save him… Hisoka was the one who tried to help him…H-he -" He choked. Damn his inability to speak…

"Kayama Chiori had made her son go to the intersection," Tatsumi supplied after a moment. "You were able to send her on, correct?"

He nodded weakly, unsure if Tatsumi heard him. "The people who were in the car were kind enough to accompany the three of us to Makoto's house when we dropped him off and escorted us to the hospital in a hurry. I didn't think the doctors would be able to help Hisoka so I brought him back here."

"That was the best choice you made," the secretary had said. And continued without hesitation. "I don't think you're at fault. Hisoka made that choice himself, and -" he stopped abruptly. "Watari-san." 

Tsuzuki blinked and looked up, and started when he saw the blond scientist closing the door, wearily cleaning his glasses and leaning against the door. He got to his feet and anxiously asked, "Hisoka?" Was that the only thing he could say now? The words 'How is he?' that had been on his lips seemed to have disappeared at a second's notice.

The quasi-doctor sighed, taking his time to put on his glasses, wondering how to phrase his sentence. 

Amethyst-eyes widened and Tsuzuki felt worried. Really, really worried. "Is-is he-?"

Watari decided on being blunt. It would make things easier and Tsuzuki would like it better that way. "Bon's fine. I got him stable." He nodded at that. He shot Tsuzuki a million-watt smile. "He was conscious a moment ago but I told him something to let him rest. With his high healing capabilities, he'll be fine by tomorrow but I don't think he should be walking around yet." 

He felt a huge amount of relief bubbling in his stomach and he couldn't help but sigh. "Watari… um… can I…?" Desperation was laced into his voice. He couldn't help it; he really wanted to see Hisoka again.

"Well…" He hesitated but Watari stepped away from the door to give him entrance. "You can. Just don't wake him up." 

Tsuzuki's eyes widened and he gave the scientist a happy hug. "Sankyuu, Watari!" He exclaimed and walked in, leaving Watari and Tatsumi behind.

Tatsumi watched him leave and turned to Watari who slouched onto the seat Tsuzuki previously occupied. "Are you alright?" he asked, after noting that he had not even cracked a single joke. 

Half-lidded amber eyes turned to regard him. "Just tired. I asked Bon to get some of my reserves. He wouldn't survive if he didn't. He put up such a fight…" he trailed off, releasing a half-hearted laugh. 

Tatsumi's eyes widened behind his glasses and wondered if he should reprimand the scientist. A blond head leaned on his shoulder and he blinked. "Watari-san?"

"…If Bon were to go, the whole place wouldn't be the same… Tsuzuki wouldn't be the same…" Watari began to slur. "My reserves would replenish itself in no time… I just need to sleep…" His breathing became even and Tatsumi knew that he had already fallen asleep.

He shook his head, smiling lightly. 

How true were his words.

Tsuzuki slipped into the room and stopped in his tracks. There was Hisoka, lying on top of the bed, fast asleep. He looked so peaceful that he didn't have the heart to disturb him, even if he did not intend to. Making his way to his partner, he drew a chair from the corner of the room and placed it beside the bed and sat down, simply staring at him. Content to just stay there and look at him when he looked so relaxed.

He released a small sigh, laying an arm on the bed and resting his head on it, on a position where he could just watch Hisoka sleep, just smiling. He was happy - not just happy, he felt relieved and glad and with a feeling of a warm elation at his stomach, he was drained of all his energy, reduced to a mere mass of sighing jell-o. Of course, that wasn't the only reason why he was a blubbering lump of brown confectionary. There was another factor supplying that reaction.

Hisoka was the epitome of ethereal beauty. That much he could say. He never saw anything so… so delicate. Skin of pale ivory, eyes of vast green fields, pink lips just waiting to be kissed; such a picture of this person made him want to protect him. He did not want to protect him because he was 'weak' - after all, he was not weak, despite what his frame alone showed people. Even if Hisoka thought he was weak, Tsuzuki did not think so - oh, no, he did not. Someone with Hisoka's powers, someone burdened with foreign emotions and treated badly in his life… no ordinary person could overcome that. If Hisoka survived that, he was unquestionably stronger than other people, in a way that mattered the most.    

When he had first met him was during in Nagasaki, the dubbed 'Vampire case', and it was Hisoka's first assignment. He had been so surprised - a kid with a pistol calling him a vampire? It was more of a surprise when he found out that that 'kid' was supposed to be his partner. And it ticked him, for lack of better words, that the kid had an attitude problem and obviously disliked him. He never wanted a new partner, anyway. But when he had caught him outside the library, when he had suddenly lashed out on him, he had found out the reason why this kid had teen-apathy of that level. He did not know that he was an empath until that happened, and soon found out about his past and his twisted connection with Muraki.

After that mess, he was surprised that he actually wanted to stay as his partner. The person who had kept on insisting that his name was 'idiot' and said that he didn't like him and couldn't stand him. He never even dreamed of actually growing close to him, but he did. He had taken a liking to him and started to notice little things about him, little details that other people would think as rubbish - things that shouldn't take their time.

But he had not minded, and actually liked watching him during times when he knew the younger shini wasn't paying attention or deeply into reading. He found, during his first session of simply staring at him during lunch or when they were out in ChiJou, that he was self-conscious of what he did. Even if he did not show it much, it was there. And the way he tended to be defensive when he does something considered as 'sweet' or showing outward signs of caring. The way he fiddled with anything that came in contact with his hands when he was anxious. Little things that made him Hisoka. His 'Soka.

He reached up to take a hand and held it, running his thumb on white knuckles, making small circles and just feeling his presence. He was happy that Hisoka would be all right. He was happy that he could still stay with him, that he could fulfill his promise that he made when they were burning in Tohda's fires. Since then, he had started to realize that he was not looking at him as a mere friend, not just his family but… as something more. That was what he worried about. He was in love with his partner, looking at him in a way he was sure that would make Hisoka fear him.

Hisoka was sure to pull away from him if ever he found out. He did not want that to happen; Tsuzuki didn't think that he would live without Hisoka being there. He didn't think he could stand it if he were far, far away from him. He was content with just loving him from afar, right? Just wishing that they could be more and yet do nothing to jeopardize their partnership?

He was content with just what they called normalcy. He was content just to continue on seeing Hisoka angry with him, being annoyed at him, calling him idiot, blushing at something he said, glaring at him. He was content with that, right?

Yes, and if he didn't know better he would say that his mantra was working. But he did know better and knew that he was fighting the urge of kissing those alluring lips of his and failing. He chuckled under his breath. Once before, he had made a joke of doing just that while Hisoka was asleep, so much like now, wondering if those lips were as soft as they looked. Now he wanted to do it for the same reason, only this time, he knew he felt something for the other.

Ah, well, just this once, right? After this, he was not going to do it again nor mention it to anyone. After this, everything will go back to normal, as normal as afterlife would be.

With strengthened resolve, he leaned forward, and met pliant lips under his own. He closed his eyes and hesitantly drew away after a while, sighing. It was softer than he had imagined, and left him wanting to do it again. But no, he couldn't…

"…Tsuzuki?" 

His eyes snapped open in surprise and he looked up and met questioning verdant orbs, color draining from his face. "Hi-Hisoka…" His voice was shaky. Not good. "How long have you been awake?"

Hisoka looked down, a new shade of pink tingeing his cheeks. He didn't answer, though; he nervously licked his lips and Tsuzuki felt his face warming.

"Er… uh… I…" Tsuzuki thought of the best way to speak. "I thought you were asleep… uh, that was… oh, I don't know!" He released an explosive sigh. "I love you," he muttered, tactfully looking away. There. He said it. "It's alright if you don't return the feeling, I understand. I just thought I needed to tell you…" he trailed off.

Hisoka nodded, silently considering his options. "Could you come closer?" He asked, nerves screaming at him. "I need to tell you something…"

Tsuzuki looked at him and hesitantly leaned closer, bracing himself for the pain about to be inflicted to him. 

"Closer…"

What was he asking of him? Even with that thought in mind, he still obliged. Was he going to punch him now? Was he going to vent out his frustration on him? He started when he felt a hand tugging at his tie, forcefully bringing him down even nearer - 

There was no pain. None of the pain he had expected. If pleasure were pain, he would've died again. But why did he kiss him? Hisoka pulled away, blushing madly, but with surprise, Tsuzuki noted the dazed, half-lidded emerald eyes. "Hisoka, what-?"

"I wanted to tell you that I love you too." Came the barely audible reply. But he had heard. And he was in the state of euphoria.

"…Really?" He asked, breathless. And when he had nodded, he grinned and immediately exclaimed his ecstatic squeal, "IIII'M SOOO~ HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!"

Hisoka seemed to have this knack of creating new shades of red and pink. "Tsuzu-MMPH!" His lips were caught once more, with a bigger torso leaning pressing his frame.

The door flung open with a secretary and an abruptly woken scientist.

"Tsuzuki," Watari began, the doctor part of him coming out. "Didn't I tell you to-" he stopped abruptly, eyes widening from behind glasses. His mouth hung open, gaping at the unfolding scene in front of him. 

Tatsumi, for one, looked flustered, glasses resting crookedly on his nose, pink stains on his face. He closed Watari's mouth after a full six seconds of just standing there. "It seems like you're busy…" He pulled at the scientist's sleeve, leading the shocked blond away from the door as he closed the door, leaving the Nagasaki pair to whatever it was they were doing.

Tsuzuki pulled away, grinning at the dazed expression on the younger. "I guess I found a way to keep you from shouting at me, didn't I?" He teased. "At least this method pleases you _and _makes you blush adorably at the same time."

An annoyed expression was set on Hisoka's face. "Why you-!"

It seemed like everything was going back to normal.

Only this time, with better quirks.

Nami-chan End notes: The ending sucks. I think it's because it's twelve in the evening when I'm supposed to be asleep. Ah, well, feedback? Tell me what I should change?               


End file.
